Shifting Your Mindset to Repair Relationships —

3 min readJan 28, 2020

It just plain sucks when someone makes you feel bad or lets you down.
But people can’t ‘make’ you feel anything. Those feelings were already there, this situation simply brought it out of you.

So let’s look at growing stronger WITH the person who helped you realize that there’s major growth that can happen here [probably for both of you].

Embracing Change

How to mend a strained relationship? A great start is accepting change.
And that’s a hard step to choose.

If you’re repairing a relationship that’s been through stress, you’d think you’d be ready for change. Bring on the better times! But it’s difficult to let go of the hurt. It’s hard to decide to welcome change with love instead of the blame and resentment that’s bubbling up so naturally.

How much easier to say “ You hurt me, You did this to me! I tried to put in the work but you weren’t ready…now that you’re ready… now that I’m tired and broken down… now we fix things?”
It’s hard to say “ I’m ready to create something new with you. Let’s both show up together as equals.”

Sometimes it’s easier to use the words “YOU weren’t there for me” than accept responsibility for your own feelings.

But the truth is, your feelings are your own to manage.

And owning up to that [though hard] feels so right.

“Let’s both show up and create something new.”

“Let’s change together. I’m glad you’re ready to meet me where I am.”

EXAMPLES

Let’s say your business partner wasn’t taking on the responsibilities that THEY AGREED TO.

Couldn’t meet deadlines.
Never cleaned.
Didn’t handle money.
Wouldn’t follow up on emails.
Fill in your personal experience here.

Until one day, they were ready to do more.
They seemed curious again. Excited for new ideas.

or Let’s say you have a romantic partner who stopped doing activities with you.

Didn’t feel like going out anymore.
Wouldn’t help out around the house.
Didn’t have the energy for date night.
Couldn’t attend social or family functions.

Until one day, they were wanting to connect.
The desire to be close came over them, they wanted to experience life with you again.

Instead of feeling glad that people are finally stepping up, we can still feel resentful for all the time we were let down.

Does it feel better to look to the future? Or to stay in the past, with the hurt?

✨When you’re stuck in pain:

“You never do______”

“I’ve asked you to ______ time and time again.”

“I’ve tried to make things easier for you.”

“I wanted to talk about this but you didn’t want to listen.”

“You never changed when you said you would”

✨When you’re ready for change:

“I’m excited to see you more involved. I want to help you, help us.”

“There’s a lot for us to talk about, I’d like to set aside time to understand each other.”

“I’m going to need your patience and understanding while we create new habits, I can feel hesitation in myself. Like I don’t trust that things will be different.”

“I love seeing this side of you and I want to embrace it. But I also have a lot of old frustrations that I’d like to honor, I think I might need time to process all of this.”